Forgiveness for sex abuse doesn't come cheap

Could you please report on the 2,812 confirmed cases of clergy sex abuse by Presbyterian ministers as of 2007 and how well the forgiveness process is going there? Since the 2006 statistics for Presbyterian Church USA report 21,360 clergy, that would be an offending rate of 13%. But then I'm sure you've been reporting that story all along, right?

I totally agree that these crimes are the joint responsibility of the individual perpetrators and the administrative and fraternal cultures which have offered too little in the way of mutual accountability ("fraternal correction") and are offering too little in the way of truly restorative justice.

Tammeus is surely right to point out that this situation will not be remedied by "cheap" forgiveness.

There is now a copious literature on both "therapeutic communities" and "restorative justice" which could provide helpful correctives for the obvious flaws of the prevailing "clerical culture."

I have forgiven the priest who molested me. I hope that every victim can do the same. I hope all those who’ve ever been hurt can forgive all the wrong-doers.

But it's about protection of the innocent, not about punishment of the guilty. The reason we lock up molesters is not vengeance, it's safety.

Most of these men are dangerous. They are shrewd, manipulative, skillful, and deceitful.

Unlike car jackers and muggers, they don't need or rely on physical prowess or speed to commit their crimes. They rely on their cunning.

Unlike pick-pockets and shoplifters, they don't become LESS able to commit their crimes as they get older. The become MORE able. . .because through experience they learn even better how to detect and seduce the vulnerable and cover up their crimes. Plus they have the advantage - with stooped shoulders, graying hair, soft voices - of seeming even more harmless than they may have seemed in their youth.

There's also a huge difference between public policy and personal choice. I can choose to forgive my predator. That's admirable. But I can't knowingly allow him the chance to hurt others. That's irresponsible.

If we allow a convicted drunken driver to get behind the wheel of a school bus filled with kids, is that forgiveness or folly?

David Clohessy, Director, SNAP, Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests, (7234 Arsenal Street, St. Louis MO 63143), 314 566 9790 cell (SNAPclohessy@aol.com)

Wow. This is food for thought. And it's clear that you have done much thought on the subject. The scripture reading for today's Mass: "I am the light of the world." The priest gave the analogy of the world without the light of Christ is like being in a dark cave. Forgiveness is just one aspect of our complex life issues. Starting with prayer and LISTENING could be the way to go. Thinking we can easily know any of the answers will just get in the way. Today's column is a keeper.

Thank you for your comments,   Bill.     Even a surgical wound must have all of its layers heal properly,   not just the outward visible layer of skin.     Healing is a time-consuming process...   be it physical,   emotional or spiritual.     There are no 'on the cheap' one-size-fits-all shortcuts without risking even more serious problems down the road,   and an even larger residual scar for the wounded one.
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For the perpetrator of sexual assault and battery,   and their accomplices,   drive-thru forgiveness can become just another form of enabling.     In behavioral psychology and Operant Conditioning terms,   cheap forgiveness without accountability reinforces negative behaviors and increases the likelihood that those behaviors will recur.     No one benefits from that kind of distorted notion of "forgiveness" — for sure not those whose social and moral boundaries are already non-existent.
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I was thinking when I read the title, I hope he doesn't ask us to just forgive the priests. It is so much more complicated. The chericalism in the Roman Catholic Church is not found in Protestant churches. It is that sense of entitlement and power that leads to abuse and coverup.

Society itself is changing that because there are more laws now to protect the child from physical and mental abuse. Children need to be regarded as full fledged people with thoughts of their own. The earlier thinking was to mold the child with discipline, and force ideas upon them. THe change now is to try to engage their minds and enlighten them with information. This is totally different. I am fortunate in that the schools I attended were progressive in that respect. They were public schools, not Catholic schools.

The Amish are correct in some ways, however. The Lord's Prayer contains the line, "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". In other words, we cannot expect forgiveness from God for our transgressions and sins, unless we are willing to extend that same forgiveness to those who harm us.

When Our Lord was crucified, as He hung upon the Cross, He prayed "Father, forgive them". True, He is God, but He is also man, and at that moment He was a man going through the worst imaginable human suffering; not only the suffering of the nails, the pain of the crucifixion, but the suffering of knowing all but one of His closest friends had abandoned Him and that one of those number had actually betrayed Him. He was alone, a man in agony, God, murdered and abandoned and betrayed by the very people He sought to help and save, and He forgave.

When St. Stephen was being stoned to death, as he was being stoned to death, he prayed that God would forgive his murderers. St. Thomas More, as he was about to be beheaded because of the unjust and illegal actions of his King, willingly forgave Henry, and all of his enemies.

When Blessed John Paul II was shot in 1981, he willingly forgave his attacker, even as he was being rushed to the hospital, even as he was barely conscious, he extended his forgiveness, his pardon, without hesitation or condition.

The key is developing an understanding of who and what we are. If we understand and appreciate the fact that we are all sinners, that each and every one of us stands in daily need of forgiveness, how much easier it becomes to forgive others. There is nothing "cheap" about the grace to forgive those who harm us, because the ability to do that requires us to have a genuine sense of humility -- a genuine appreciation for who we are as God's creatures, our role of absolute dependence upon Him and His grace and mercy, our need for forgiveness from God and from others around us.

Forgiveness, in my experience, becomes difficult when I hang on to my hurts, when I persist in my claims of innocence. Indeed, I may be very innocent when it comes to the business associate who stabs me in the back, but when I examine my life honestly and in humility, I recognize that I am not so innocent at all in my dealings with others. Thus do I understand that I am not some innocent person unjustly harmed, but rather a person who sins and transgresses in a myriad number of ways on a daily basis, a person who stands in just as much need of forgiveness for those sins, those transgressions, as the one who harmed me.

Further, as Catholics we understand that sin is not just individual, but corporate as well. This is why the Church requires us to confess our sins to a priest; the priest stands in Persona Christi, in the Person of Christ, and when we confess our sins, the priest represents not only the person we sinned against, but also the Church and Christ Himself. The priest then absolves us from our sins in the Name of Christ and in the name of the Church and the person we harmed. When a priest abuses a child, he harms not only the child, but also the Church, and it is not only the child but also the Church that must forgive him.

Finally, the author says, "I also now see that forgiveness can’t be received if the perpetrator has not done the required preparatory work". This ultimately is a matter for the perpetrator, it is not up to us to decide when he or she is ready to receive forgiveness. All that matters is that we are ready to forgive. In my experience, that simple act, a person I have sinned against saying to me "I forgive you", has been enough to bring about a conversion of my own heart.

Forgiveness is difficult and it takes a lot out of us, forces us to embrace true humility. It is also absolutely necessary if we are to claim to be followers of Christ.

Earlier today I posted this elsewhere:

"I think it depends how we understand forgiveness, and not everyone does in the same way. "Forgive and forget" might be fine for minor things which will be forgotten pretty easily, but does not apply to serious trangressions. Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning or minimizing the seriousness of a transgression or crime. The way I understand it it is to choose not to let the offender continue to have control over my life by making me live with anger, bitterness and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is for our own sake regardless if the offender asks for it or not. I can only hope and pray that offenders come to realize what they have done, the pain they have caused, accept their punishment and make amends wherever possible."

Here should be added that in the case of abuse, all measures need to be taken to prevent the perpetrator from repeating the abuse.

I think there is self-interest that is necessary and good.
I wouldn't judge the Amish for inappropriate self-interest. Victims of abuse need to seek healing for their own sake primarily, not for the benefit of the offender.

At one time I might have said, simply (and simplistically), that I think it’s everyone’s obligation to forgive and move on.

The first part of the sentiment must be examined in concert with the second part, and then the motives behind it must be considered.

As an advocate for abuse survivors for more than a decade, I have on many occasions heard what I've come to called "the f-word" uttered by pious-sounding individuals when they are called upon to respond to allegations of abuse by priests and religious, often their peers or their subordinates.

In virtually all of these cases, I have been left with the distinct impression that the "move on" part, and in the first person, is more the concern. In other words "This makes me uncomfortable; it disturbs the tranquility of my world; You (or the victim) should forgive and move on."

What is left out is "...because that would be most convenient for me."

Funny how often "Christian charity" aligns with the convenience of those with power and who, called upon to respond to survivor's interests, isn't it?

I have forgiven the priest who sexually molested me for six months when I was a young teenager. However, I cannot forget the suicidal ideation that permeated my teen years and the nightmares that occur to this day. Forgiving is relatively easy. Forgetting is another story. When I finally addressed the abuse to the now bishop of the diocese where I grew up, I could not have found a more humble and compassionate person. If I didn't have such an incredibly understanding wife who gently encouraged me to talk with our pastor,I wouldn't be writing this. If it wasn't the extraordinary care and counseling of my pastor, I would not be stepping foot in a Catholic church today.
Frankly, the author puts a lot of stock into "forgiving." Having a fond attraction for the Amish, I can fully understand their powerful forgiveness for the man who murdered those children. To imply that this was self-serving was rather judgmental and uncaring because I can assure you that they have not forgotten. I can assure you that when they think of those children, their heart is wrenched with pain and the tears will always be there.

PT

I think it is reasonable to assert that forgiveness includes an anticipation of repentance on the part of the one being forgiven. And that repentance is nowhere in sight in the Roman Catholic church. Part of the anguishing dilemma is that these are crimes with roots in profound narcissism. The narcissist simply believes that he/she is exempt because it't THEM! An added challenge is that narcissism has been rewarded in the RC church and promotions have been part of the reward. There's a lot of narcissists who get to wear miters and carry staffs. I think I forgive them to the extent that I recognize their very crooked perspective and stay away from their crooked thinking. At least I know what they are and cannot take them seriously as successors of the Apostles. Please!

"I also now see that forgiveness can’t be received if the perpetrator has not done the required preparatory work."

Yes, but it is the perpetrator who is the loser not the victim. It took me 32 years to come to grips with what happened to me. It allowed me to take control and lose the fear and guilt that had dogged me for most of my childhood and my adult life till then. It wasn't until then that I was ready to forgive. I didn't need him there, I didn't need for him to apologize; in fact, I have not even seen him in 30 years.

But the author is correct, the perpetrator could not receive my forgiveness; that is his loss, not mine. It really did not matter to me that he could not receive my forgiveness. It was liberating for me to forgive and I would not have put that off in order to wait for him to be ready to receive my forgiveness. If I had not forgiven him, the wound would have continued to fester and it had already festered long enough.

I did report him to the police department. There is no statute of limitations on what he did to me. The police told me that proving it so many years after the fact would be nearly impossible; but they did inform him that I filed a complaint. How many other kids were violated by this guy? I will never know. Hopefully, my reporting him will make him think twice.

I'm a little disappointed that you failed to post my response to Mr. Clohessy yesterday. Apparently differing opinions have no place in this discussion.

The problem is the inability of the Roman Catholic Church heirarchy to admit error in any significant way. That arrogance perpetuates the atmosphere which is at work. From celibacy to male domination to human sexuality, the Church I spent 50 years in has never allowed questioning since the days of Pope John XXIII. Indeed, it blames the current "problem" on that era as a way of regretting the momentary "Roman spring" which almost led to dismantling of some of the Vatican's walls against reality.

I suspect the root of the problem is one of infallibility; if the Pope is infallible, then any potential Pope (Cardinal, Archbishop or bishop) feels he is potentially the successor to Peter and was born infallible as well?

The church, Catholic and Protestant alike, has a long history of telling victims, usually women and children, to forgive abuse by usually male family members and clergy--all without justice for past offenses or even protection from ongoing abuse. This is itself abusive of victims and fails to show true compassion for perpetrators by calling them to Gospel healing and repentance. As a survivor of clergy sexual abuse I have myself been retraumatized pressure to forgive an unrepentant abuser--including cruel and groundless threats that my emotional healing will never happen if I don't, and/or that God will not forgive my sins if I don't. Luckily I can stand up to this since I know that this is not Jesus' model of forgiveness enunciated most clearly in Luke 17:3-4: "So watch yourselves. If your brother [or sister] sins, rebuke [them], and if they repent, forgive them. If they sin against you seven times in a day, and seven times come back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive them." I do however obey Jesus' call to pray for my enemies including the conversion and healing of the perpetrator, a married Protestant pastor who was my theology professor at Santa Clara University (which refused to take appropriate action when I reported it). Forgiveness is natural and healthy when the offense has been stopped and the damage healed by restitution -- in the most common scriptural metaphors, the debt has been paid or the slave has been freed -- either by the perpetrator himself or by the community offering compassion and justice and healing to the victim in his stead. When it is pushed without justice, healing, and repentance it is a "spiritual bypass" encouraging victims to suppress their appropriate anger and pain and stops real healing. Just as in the sacrament of Reconciliation only those who repent, cease their sin, and make amends are offered forgiveness we should hold the same standards for perpetrators and model them ourselves by thorough repentance and real amends for our own sins. The 12 Step movement has much to teach Christianity about this issue.

Mark Matson, president of DignityUSA, abused Gospel forgiveness in the same way by adducing it in a Dayton Daily News article (http://www.daytondailynews.com/news/dayton-news/ex-priest-tied-to-child-...) to minimize his and Dignity Dayton's gross malfeasance in knowingly allowing Ellis Harsham, a notorious pedophile suspended from RC ministry, to celebrate mass for ten years. They have no right to "forgive" Ellis for abusing children and causing them a lifetime of hell, which I have experienced myself from clergy sexual abuse as a college student--especially when he has denied or minimized his behavior and refused to accept the appropriate consequences of losing his priestly role for it. Only the victims have that right (or, sacramentally, a confessor who carries out his or her responsibility by refusing absolution unless real repentance has been demonstrated by truthful, sincere apologies and concrete restitution like paying for therapy). And, as David Clohessy points out, even if forgiveness happens they have no right to follow it up by endangering more potential victims and retraumatizing survivors by showing no concern for their anguish. Please visit my blog http://stjuniatheapostle.blogspot.com for extensive coverage of Dignity's lies and coverups including a fake resignation that implies he has left but leaves Harsham eligible to copreside, preach, cantor etc. as well as worship and attend social events without appropriate safety precautions for someone with a substantiated allegation of child sexual abuse. And please blog, write or call Dignity, etc.--only public pressure will complete the reforms at both Dignity Dayton and DignityUSA, which should include the resignation of Matson and local Dignity leadership complicit in the coverup esp. Dignity Dayton priests Fr. Dick Young, Fr. Tom Stricker, and Tom's wife Ms. Patty Stricker as board VP. DignityUSA also needs to improve its policy to require presiders to step down for credible, not just substantiated, allegations; to require that they step down from all public ministry in the community and not just main presider; and to require safety precautions if they remain as ordinary members. To do otherwise endangers children in LGBT and ally families and delays the day of real healing and healthy forgiveness of for survivors of clergy sexual abuse.

I often think that when we talk of forgiveness, what we mean is that we will not seek active vengeance on perpetrators of wrongs towards us or those close to us. I also think that is what our Christian faith requires of us, just as when Jesus tells us to love our enemies, he doesn't expect us to make bosom buddies of them, but simply asks us to wish them no harm and not to seek retribution.

Please leave Bonhoeffer out of this. You don't understand Dietrich Bonhoeffer any more than you understand pedophilia. That's not at all what Bonhoeffer meant by "cheap grace." Bonhoeffer called "cheap grace" the self-absolution of sinners by appeal to a gospel that makes forgiveness cheap. He did not mean Christ-like forgiving others, as Jesus did on the cross, after the resurrections, etc. If you don't know what you're talking about, say so, but don't quote Bonhoeffer to support ideas he would have rejected as foreign to the gospel and his own thinking. The idea that only the victim can forgive someone is alien to the gospel, which asks us to see ourselves linked to one another and in need of both mutual love and forgiveness. How in God's name did you get a job writing about Christianity?

Why is it that some articles arrive in my e-mail with many replies posted and other articles that arrived a day or more ago, have no replies at all ?

I think this article about forgiveness as it relates to the problem of clerical sexual abuse is worth thinking about, despite some of the not so nice comments that are already posted. I think forgiveness is complicated and personal. How can we fault someone else's way of extending forgiveness ? It might be that forgiveness comes in stages....or layers. The older you get the deeper one understands the hurt and perhaps understands the person who did the hurting. I remember clearly during a therapy session, when the psychiatrist made one single, well placed remark that allowed me to understand and it was not easy to "hear" the message contained in that well placed remark. It did lead me to the ability to forgive. It was not a forgiveness the way that Jesus taught, or the way I understood Jesus' teaching on forgiveness. All I can say is that it just happened, after years of being tormented by this hurt that happened to me, after years of trying to forgive. I call it "grace"....in my case it was not cheap, I would say that it came at a price.

Thank you Bill for the column on forgiveness. At this time in our Church we should be having more conversations about such issues. Victims has taught me that forgiveness is a journey for them not a destination. I do not believe that anyone has the right to seek forgiveness from the victim - as you said forgiveness canbe dangerous. It does take an extreme amount of work on the partof the victim - hence the concept of journey - to get to the point of forgiveness. But it also requires a tremedous amount of community/church responsibility also. As a faith community we are responsible for ensuring that the appropriate services and interventions are available to victims so that they can attempt to heal. I have seen the power of forgiveness in terms of the impact that it has on the victim - the giver of the forgiveness.
Creating space and opportunity for victims to heal gives them the space and opportunity to forgive.

Mary Achilles
Victim Services Consultant
Archdiocese of Philadelphia

I was not abused by a priest, but by another. Let me offer my perspective: Along with therapy and support of friends, I prayed every day for over 30 years this way "God, I can't forgive yet. It's in your hands. Someday I want to be able to forgive, help me." ( I knew it was necessary to MY healing.) And one day I realized that I was beginning to forgive, bit by bit. But forgive and forget? It's forgive and remember or there will be no lasting change. We must never forget (as if we could.) And, yes, the priest/bishop scandal is worse than a loner church on the corner, because it is so intertwined with a sick, sick hierarchial system. And let us Never tell someone else who was victimized how they "should" heal. You don't have a real clue. Amen.

I am fascinated with all the replies posted to this interesting article. But regardless of how you may view it, it has generated some profound and insightful remarks.

One point remains not fully discussed: The criminal punishment of these priests and bishops who are perpetrators of these crimes is not fully discussed. Christ told the apostles to "render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's and unto God that which is God's." When a priest or religious (who is a citizen of the State--Caesar) commits a criminal act against a child (a citizen) it becomes a crime AGAINST THE STATE. The first response to the crime is to REPORT IT TO THE STATE and not the Church.

It is the RESPONSIBILITY of the State to act and see that justice is done. This not only applies to the thief (or priest) who robs the store, but to his accomplice (the bishop or superior) who sits out in the get-away-car and drives him away. They both are held accountable for the crime under the law.

The State (state and local governments) has not bellied up to the bar and done its duty. Often its because it's being intimidated by the Church, I've seen this pattern in the Illinois State Legislature and our Chicago city government. Catholics in power don't want to get on the bad side of the Cardinal.

There was a bill in our legislature a couple of years ago that would have extended the window that held pedophiles accountable for a longer period of time. But the Cardinal's expensive law firms lobbied the legislature to have it killed before it came to a vote.

The hierarchy still clings to the midlevel concept that they are a law unto themselves; even when it comes to criminal acts perpetuated by their priests and religious. Christ told them in person that “it just wasn't so." But forget what that guy said. They’ll "rationalize" and "obfuscate” his words until they are meaningless.

The Church Militant is not a power unto itself. But of course, if the State moves to hold the hierarchy accountable, they'll cry they are being persecuted.

Many thoughtful responses are given above on the question that deals with an adult person's forgiveness of grave injury or offense. Many abused as children are now trying as adults to deal with and move past the horrors they experienced as children. It might be worth remembering that in Jesus' discussion of the harm done to a CHILD, He said that a millstone should be placed on the neck of the abuser and they should be thrown into the sea. I do not know of any other time Jesus recommended a death sentence and no forgiveness was suggested for those who harm CHILDREN.

As a survivor of clergy abuse I agree that forgiveness is a complicated issue. I never chose to seek an admission of guilt from my perpetrator - I feared further emotional damage from any communication with him. What I chose to do was to enter into a process of understanding what led him to abuse me, why he needed to control me. As I moved through my own struggle to forgive him, I came to understand that if I didn't come to forgive I would be left with a persistent state of unforgiveness in my soul that would eat away at me for years. So ultimately it became a question of, do I want to live with this boiling point in me forever or do I want to forgive and move on. it's not an easy process, but really what is easy in life. Ultimately, I am glad I am at that point now. I don't know how the God of our understanding will deal with those who hurt others in the end - but I know I trust that I can live with a deeper peace.