When Pope Benedict used Twitter for the first time recently, The New Yorker magazine did a selection July 25 of imaginary Tweets he might send. It was amusing, but many were more like one-liners any stand-up comedian might use. Here is a different selection which, I believe, is more papally grounded.
When I see all those people in St. Peter’s Square shouting “Viva Papa,” it sometimes makes me think they’re worshiping me, not God. I’ve got to stop thinking that way.
So I got this idea to come out on the balcony with a false nose, mustache and big glasses one time, just to let people know I’m human.
I spoke to Bishop Sarcophago about my false nose idea but he just mumbled something in Italian and left. I don’t like the Italian language, except in operas.
I had this dream last night where I resigned from the priesthood like my Great Uncle Georg did, and go work among the starving people in Africa. Where did that come from?
I can’t resign. I’m the pope. I’d have to write the resignation letter to myself.
Of course if I did resign, I’d have to give up those wonderful garments in the papal closet. That would be hard. I’ve always loved the way popes have dressed since the 14th century.
Bishop Sarcophago stopped by my apartment yesterday and suggested I come out of the closet. I explained I was just going over some old things that we could sell and give the proceeds to the starving people in Africa.
When I announced the sale of all those papal garments today, there was quite an uproar. I think the cardinals are afraid they’ll be pressured to give up theirs too. Yet I feel strangely exhilarated.
Another dream last night. Great Uncle Georg himself! He looked me in the eye and said, “Great Nephew Joseph, you are not far from the Kingdom of God.” I’ve got to pray about this.
I’m looking forward to the big meeting with all the cardinals tomorrow. I want to explain some very exciting changes we’ll be doing around here, and I’m definitely not resigning, not right away anyhow.