Why I’m not a nun

Go Kate--beautiful piece! "Only looking to communities of women religious is akin to a teacher asking those present in class why their peers are absent"--great point. I'm sure there are plenty of non-priests out there who could have offered helpful input during the seminary visitation too.

...and the 'voice of conscience' in those women I have known who have integrated their homosexual identities with the Catholic vision of a chaste life in the context of a consecrated vocation testify to the life-giving power of the Church's teaching. Their testimony, their conscience bears witness not to that vision's oppressive power, but to its liberating power as the truth of human sexuality.

If conscience alone, as Kate has defined it, is to be the arbiter of catholic truth, the question remains: whose conscience stands as the canon of moral judgment for the Catholic Tradition?

But since such a vision of conscience, and of moral judgment, has abandoned the very idea of moral truth, such a question can ultimately never be resolved - save by a placid resignation to an interminable swirl in the fragments of ethical pluralism.

More hate speak directed at the hierarchy, more I'm right they're wrong. I can't say I'm shocked.

Lovely article, Kate! I could feel your passion coming thru as I read. You express so well the impact our good sisters have had on so many lives. I include mine among them. I was educated for 12 years by the School Sisters of Notre Dame who I consider to be the finest order of educated women. The liove and friendship that I have for these sisters knows no bounds. Your discernment, over a two year period, was deep, honest and authentic. May you continue to grow into your truest and best self and may your marriage commitment to Ariana grow in length and breath. I rejoice with and for you! Blessings always and in all ways!

I congratulate and thank you, Kate, for your contributions as we, the whole church, do our parts to discern the action of the Spirit in our midst; as we work to see our Christian community evolve rather than stagnate or devolve into the depths of totally medieval thinking.

I especially appreciate your metaphor about " a teacher asking those present in class why their peers are absent." Only when the whole church is being heard and listened to by those who have the power will true leaders emerge and bring discernment into the process of healing the church. We, laity, who have worked with, been taught and cared for by women religious should also be included in this gathering of information. Alas, the result will be less than whole.

For those who would like a more of a sense of the challenges women face when discerning a vocation to the religious life, I offer to readers' consideration Karin Armstrong's excellent autobiography, "The Spiral Staircase."

Jerry

Dear Kate,

Like you, I too have struggled with the Church's teachings on homosexuality and with the sexism one so often sees in the Church. I still struggle to understand emotionally what the Church teaches on homosexuality. For the sexism I found John Paul II's Mulieris Dignitatem very helpful and beautiful. http://www.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/apost_letters/documents/hf_jp-ii_... Although women have come far, sexism is still rife in ways that cannot be tolerated. Pope Benedict spoke for the rights of women as recently as last week in Angola were the rights of women really are trampled on. On the subject of the priesthood for women, I found Sister Sarah Butler's book on the subject extremely persuasive.

Unfortunately the Sacred Texts do not sit well with a certain brand of feminism, though they do with another. The Church interprets Mary's "Yes"--for yesterday's Feast of the Anunciation--as the "Yes" of all the laity and those who chose to give themselves to priesthood and religious life. When we give our "Yes" to Christ and his Church, we give the gift of self. We spend our lives trying to live accordingly and our consciences are shaped by the Church's teaching. It is often a challenge. It seems as though you have squared your life-style with your conscience, perhaps do not try to square the Church to mirror your conscience.

Pax,

Anna

Strange that this "letter" mentions that becoming a religious is the closest that women can become to becoming a priest. Most priests are secular, not religious, so I am not sure I understand the rationale.

Strange article - actually quite bizarre. Its really a shame that so many people today equate personal holiness with education and the ability to write. Love yes, but always, always together with responsibility. One sage said that one should look to the type of personal life that the author leads, then read their works. This a very troubled young person who needs our prayer not our condemnation. I am glad that she stll is in the Catholic Church becasue the church militant is a refuge for sinners tha genuinely recognize that they fall short and need Christ's redemption. Another thought, as Christ said, ...I have not come to abolish the law but rather to perfect. That is why we cherish the Commandments and the precepts of the Church-this is not a new Gospel. Grace and peace with prayers always in Christ...

At first I thought Kate's article would be about the ubiquitous deficit of women's voices in the institutional Catholic Church, and so I eagerly took it up. But at the end of the fifth paragraph the defining signal paved the way for the presentation of an entirely unrelated subject. When Ms. Graham states that her "decision not to become a woman religious was due to institutional church teaching on sexuality and gender," what she really means is that her decision not to become a woman religious was due to her PERCEPTION of church teaching on sexuality and gender. Those of us who question the morality of homosexuality are not homophobes, or bigots, or mean spirited people. I would remind Ms. Graham of something a wonderful wise woman once told me - a simple teaching: It is not bad to disagree. I do disagree with Ms. Graham; I don't believe in same-sex marriage. I do agree with the Catholic Church's teaching that marriage is between one man and one woman, period, and I thank God that our church will not bend on this issue, because it is a crucial one. My disagreement with Ms. Graham has nothing to do with disgust or denigration toward her life style. My disagreement is born of my firm belief, examined carefully over my lifetime, that marriage is about a man and a woman who love and respect one another taking that love to the next level by bringing children into the world, and nurturing and educating them to adulthood. My position is that, to have a sound upbringing children need the input of a man and a woman - specifically because these two inputs are very different. Children need to see a man and a woman working together, as a unit, with their opposite genders complimenting each the other. Two men and/or two women cannot do this, because this coupling is not "opposite." Just because a person sees him or herself as a member of the opposite sex doesn't mean said person IS of the opposite sex. Although the issue has been bandied about and dissected by countless "scientists," it's plain to read the handwriting on the wall - it only takes common sense. But in our present culture consisting of many who claim that perception trumps reality, we have those like Ms. Graham, who insist they are right. I bless her and pray for her. She is forthcoming and good. But I entirely disagree with her.

Touché, Kate! I couldn't have stated this better myself. I would add too the fact that the church still doesn't acknowledge the leadership capabilities of women, and allow women to exercise their full potential within church roles.

Bravo!

Inspiring and heartfelt article! Thanks for lifting up your voice, Kate!

Has anyone else sent their note to Mother Mellia? Mine is on it's way!

Thanks Kate for another wonderful reflection. In writing to Mother Mellia, I have been able to reflect on my own vocational call, and why I too have chosen to embrace the vocation of marriage rather than entering a religious community. I have also been able to reflect on the profound way women's religious communities have influenced almost every aspect of my life - spiritual, educational, professional, and on and on. It is my (perhaps naive) hope that this visitation will be an opportunity for the Vatican to experience the joy, compassion, and hospitality of many of the wonderful communities of women religious in the US.

Mother Mary Clare, Sister Eva and Cardinal Rode would do well to add John T. Chibnall, Ann Wolf and Paul N. Duckro's "A NATIONAL SURVEY OF THE SEXUAL TRAUMA EXPERIENCES OF CATHOLIC NUNS" (cf. Review of Religious Research, vol. 40, no.2, (Dec. 1998) pp. 142-168) to their preparatory reading lists, along with Kenneth Briggs' DOUBLE CROSSED: Uncovering the Catholic Church's Betrayal of American Nuns (Doubleday, 2006).

"...many have speculated that a primary reason for the Apostolic Visitation of communities of women religious in the United States is the decline of vocations in communities of women religious"...while there is truly fewer women chosing a vocation in U.S. religious communities, there is NO SHORTAGE of women chosing a vocation as Lay Ecclesial Ministers. Can you imagine what would happen if all of the female Lay Ecclesial Ministers took a weeks vacation all at the same time?! If you have a chance, will some of you fine women religious please remind our Apostolic Visitor of this? Thank You and blessing to the author and all who minister.

Beautiful, Kate. This really spoke me, as I too considered entering religious life, but struggled tremendously with how could I partake in a structure that was so flawed and sexist. While I eventually chose not to enter, I will forever value women religious for their courage and strength. I do believe that I am the independent, feminist thinker I am today because of them. Thanks again for your column. It was inspiring.

Beautifully expressed!

This article says exactly what I would have said, as a young woman who has also been through the process of discernment and decided on another path.

I too had wonderful role models and mentors in women religious. But like this author, I could not submit myself to obedience to an institution run entirely by men.

If I had been born a couple hundred years ago, at a time when married women had no legal rights and were completely subject to the whims of their husbands, I would not have ever considered getting married, either. If the laws today were still what they were back then, I would be celibate or choose to live in sin rather than subject myself to an abusive system where I give up all of my self-determination.

To me, the current situation with women religious is very similar to this. Women religious communities are dependent on outsiders, male clergy, for their access to the sacraments and their relationship with the rest of the church. A bishop can make decisions which drastically effect a religious community, and he has absolutely no accountability to that community. I'm not suggesting that many bishops abuse this power; but I object to them having such power in the first place, because the potential for abuse is there.

At any rate, I absolutely agree with the author when she says that the decline in women religious is due to the Church's patriarchal practices, and not to any lack in these religious communities themselves. This decline should not in any way be considered a reflection on the wonderful holiness and example set by our women religious.

Well said Kate. Well said. I have been going through similar struggles myself and have yet to know the outcome. Keep up the great witness!

There is a definite agenda in Kate's letter. It's the church's total acceptance homosexuality and same-sex marriage. Kate should read "Homosexuality and Hopt" written by the Catholic Medical Association (cathmed.org) to discover the scientific reasons why the church does not accept homosexiality and same-sex marriage.

Kate,

How do you define marriage?

Mark

What a moving and articulate and heartfelt description.

I just finished watching the movie, "Water" which depicts the story of women in India in 1938 who become widows. According to the Hindu tradition, when a woman's husband dies she is part dead and therefore she lives the remainder of her days in seclusion, apart from the rest of the community and she is not to remarry. She is to be shunned. The story line focuses on three widows, one a woman in her 40's trying to find meaning and a loving God in her existence, another a twenty-something woman and finally and eight year old girl who is widowed as the movie starts.

The basis for this treatment of the women is founded in scripture.

I would challenge anyone to watch this movie to discern the similarities and differences in Kate's situation and that of the widows.

All because of something that is written "scripturally".

The movie is not a perfect vehicle but I would encourage anyone to rent it on Netflix and ask these questions.

I would like to say that I agree with Kate's decision, not that she needs my or anyone else's consent. I know many women religious and I see them living a lie, which is what Kate refused to do. I have several friends who live in the Franciscan community together in an apartment or "convent" and are committed to the partner they live with. While I have no idea if they honor their vow of celibacy, they commit to each other in every other aspect of their lives. They live together, in some cases work together as well, vacation together, retreat together and attend each other's family events together. They even commit by giving each other a wedding band. They are not "allowed" another close friendship/relationship with any other woman. It is all very confusing to me as they seem to be married without legality and maybe even without consumation. I can't see the difference and wonder why they became nuns at all.

I don't know why Kate wouldn't consider religious life. It is no secret that many of the larger, older and more liberal womens religious communities are full of lesbians who live an active homosexual lifestyle. The same is true for the Jesuits who are known for having a large number of gay priests who live and active gay lifestyle. Kate could be a religious and have a female lover.

Congratulations on your marriage and your column. We need more voices like you in the Catholic Church. Please do not let the hate mongers get to you.

Steve

I agree with her decison. Somebody who thinks that women have a right to murder their babies wont make a decent nun. Or a decent anything else.

God bless you, Kate. I do believe God never sanction classes on humanity but those who created classes, divisions separating people from each other are those in power (all kinds) and those who have the power (in government, in the church, etc...) who not only use it but even abuse to oppose or suppress at the expense of us all. Your letter was very moving genuine expression of a true love and longing to God's promise of wholeness and one in HIS embrace. I have plenty religious women friends whose life are committed to unconditional love and service for others, whose capabilities even surpass those of men ordained but forever denied of equal sharing of partnership in the Ordain Ministry. I do not belong to the Roman Catholic Church (mine is Iglesia Filipina Independiente or Philippine Independent Church )but I am one with all women struggles. My church has greatly struggled the issue of women ministry and ordination for decades and never did the bishops were all united but IFI so ordains women. As an ordained woman priest, married to a male priest and with four kids, I do believe that no one even those in powers in the Church can hold the Holy Spirit moving us together toward the realization of God's promise of equality, love, abundance and harmony. I salute to more Kates speaking up... God bless!

A piece to ponder to the one asking you to define marriage: when is a mother becomes a mother? Does it requires a woman to give birth before she be called a mother? Is it marriage (as sanctioned by the church) when a woman and man blessed by a clergy but later the wife becomes a "punching-bag" of the husband? Our society has many definitions and imposed norms and require to be accepted and to be followed and even use the authority of the scriptures... these things are made and done through power but surely not from God! Thank you for the privilege to share here.

More heresy from the NCR. Should be called "Not Catholic Reporting"

Kate, since you are NO LONGER Catholic, why do you have even care about the visitation. You have already excommunicated yourself from the Church by 'marrying' your girlfriend....no formal excommunication by a bishop is needed in this situation since you have already incurred the excommunication by your own irresponsible actions.

I know MANY women religious who are are living out a very holy, faithful, joyful and authentic vocation as woman religious....it's too bad that you never saw that aspect of it in your sorry and sad life.

cashelguy2 - your defending someone who thinks a women can murder babies from "hate mongers". Get your mind right!

we need the views of all our catholic family- thouse who walk utside and those whostay within. Sometimes the view from the outside is less muddled. And though the church may excommunicate for their various reasons, jesus would not and God does not.

Dear cashelguy2

Do you agree with her that women have a right to murder their own babies?

If only we had Pat Murphy as Pope, how enlightened we would all be, oh how he/she knows what God would do.

I am impressed how the author, figured out 2000 years of Church Teaching is wrong, all by herself. What insight she must have. Religious are called to serve, not to be served. It seems that many have forgotten that.

Thank you for sharing so honestly about your spiritual discernment to religious life. And congratulations on your recent marriage!
My own experience was similar. Although I am not a lesbian, I also grew up with excellent models of religious women and for the better part of my life always kept the idea of joing a religious community in the back of my mind. Even today at 53 I still question whether I should have taken that step. In my experience I have always found meaningful ministry with the poor, with the elderly, with women's groups that have helped me to continue developing my own spiritual life. It has felt that I have lived religious life outside of religious life. Today there are so many more opportunities for women to serve, perhaps not within the structure of the church, but in the larger communities where we live. Meaningful and life giving ministry and a commited prayer life amidst a supportive community have given me so much of what religious life would have given me. The lack of vocations today has much to do with this too, I think.

A very important point or admission:

"You see, my discernment to religious life was inextricably linked with my
guilt and self-reproach in discovering my identity as a lesbian woman. Campus
ministers and priests at my college recommended that I try to change myself or
at the very least repress this part of me. So desperately did I want to please
them and follow church doctrine that I thought by becoming a woman religious I
could hide from my true self."

Wow! There's an important mouthful!

If only more Catholic clergy and religious would have recognized in themselves
the fear that comes from an unresolved sexuality (homo- or heterosexual), we'd
not be in the sexual scandal we're in today.

I don't believe that a single one of us who considered a religious vocation
ever failed to consider that, on the plus side, celibacy would present an
escape from the slings and arrows of sexual and intimate relationships. The
problem there, of course, is that if you give into that temptation then
you will be in the worst possible situation to finally resolve whatever
inner conflicts get generated by an emerging sexual identity.

And thus we have generations of 40-year-old priests whose sexuality seems
to be "stuck" in adolescence, or earlier.

Kate,
Your article could have been written by me because our experiences seem almost identical. I too am a Roman Catholic, who struggles with the deeply rooted sexism and heterosexism in our Church. I prayed about my vocation for many years and have found my vocation to be married life. Although our church does not recognize our marriage to our partners (I too am a lesbian), the gift of self that we extend to our wives daily is recognized by Christ.

I struggle to remain a part of a Church that continues to be marked by radical exclusivity when its model, Christ, was marked by the exact opposite. But then I meet other Roman Catholics like you, I see the spirit of Christ moving, and I am encouraged in my faith once again.