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PDF versionThe story of one man's abuse
by Bill Tammeus on Dec. 14, 2011
The sex abuse scandal in the Catholic Church has awakened many people -- even some bishops -- to the sickening realities of how this could happen. But just when we think we understand abuse, we hear another story that makes it clear our knowledge is insufficient.
That happened again to me recently when one of my readers (call him Dave) shared his story with me by email.
Dave, a man of faith but not a Catholic, is retired now but "was around 11 when the abuse first began, though the grooming had begun slightly earlier."
Because his brother was born with a developmental disability, "my mother was quite depressed. My dad didn't know how to deal with the situation and he pretty much emotionally left the family. Since we lived in a rural area I was kind of out on my own."
Into Dave's loneliness rode a perpetrator (not a clergyman) "on a white horse. He has money, he has position, he has respect in the community and he 'loves' me. Most of all he can from time to time take me out of a horrible situation. All he asks is a deep, dark secret."
Dave believes it's extremely difficult for perpetrators to get access to children "if the parents are involved in the child's life. Parents then as now become detached from their children for a number of reasons and when this happens it becomes very easy for a (perpetrator) to step in and fill the emotional gap the parents leave vacant."
Eventually, Dave says, he got "the feeling that things are not right. There are things going on here that shouldn't be going on or you wouldn't be asked to keep quiet about it. But the strange thing is you develop a very strong love/hate relationship with the (perpetrator) that never quite goes away.
"The relationship lasted four or five years until I became too old to interest him anymore. ... I do remember that toward the end of the relationship the physical part had become so revolting to me that I was unable to 'perform' no matter how hard I tried (and I worked at it diligently because I wanted to 'please him' above all other things). He told me that was 'all right' because it meant I wasn't gay and that was a 'good thing.'
"When he left and moved on my reaction was to develop a hatred of 'gayness' in any form whatsoever. ... I got over it. I also developed a strong dislike bordering on hatred for the (perpetrator). No one could understand that. ... My mother, who suddenly had me around the house again, was especially upset that I was so 'ungrateful.'"
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Dave hid his experience from himself and "didn't begin to deal with the feelings until I was in my fifties."
What were the effects? "Abuse will play hell with your future sex life in one way or another. ... I became about as repressed as it was possible to be and still reproduce for the next generation. To this day, on some level, I still feel that sex is one of those dirty things to be done in the dark with no one knowing that you actually do it.
"Abuse also plays havoc with your ability to trust anyone for any reason. ... You are always on guard, waiting to see what it is that they want. Despite many years of therapy, and ongoing 'maintenance' therapy, there is still a black door in my soul to a small, dark room where no one may go."
There was more, including Dave's feeling that people tend to blame the victim.
I wish every bishop would have to hear Dave tell his story unedited for as long as he wanted to. Some have heard such stories firsthand, but my hope is that once they looked Dave in the eye and recognized his perpetual residual pain, they would never again fail children under their care.
[Bill Tammeus, a Presbyterian elder and former award-winning Faith columnist for The Kansas City Star, writes the daily "Faith Matters" blog for The Star's website and a monthly column for The Presbyterian Outlook. His latest book, co-authored with Rabbi Jacques Cukierkorn, is They Were Just People: Stories of Rescue in Poland During the Holocaust. Email him at wtammeus@kc.rr.com.]
Thank you, Bill Tammeus, and
Thank you, Bill Tammeus, and thank you, Dave, whoever you are.
Sharing this story is one of the most effective contributions to the public dialogue about abuse that I've seen.
One might wish that Dave's story might become a staple in every curriculum for those in training for work in public service sectors.
Thank you for Dave's story.
Thank you for Dave's story. May his heart and soul find the peace that he merits and the closure he seeks.
His story reminds us, as does so much in the news these recent days, that the sexual abuse of children does not go away and, it seems, is everywhere among us.
It is a small price to pay, but it is sad, the number of occasions and opportunities for trust, affection, inclusion no matter how small have been stifled rather than shared to avoid the perception of abuse.
It is so hard to put a
It is so hard to put a Catholic priest in the place of this conniving perpetrator. But this story is the story of so many priest abusing their victims. I can't imagine a priest plotting this horrific abuse while representing Christ during his priestly duties. This is living a Complete Blackened Lie. This leaves me so disturbed.
The author specific that this
The author specific that this abuser was not a clergyman. Not a clergyman. Perhaps you're so disturbed because you feel compelled to make connections that aren't there.
Bonnie: Your comment was
Bonnie:
Your comment was unkind. Many priests have lived that lie and that is what saddens the previous author. And many bishops have covered it up and that is what enrages me. Visit the snap website and review the legal documents posted. The story illustrates it is perpertrated by adults from all walks of life. Things must continue to change to protect our children!
Kathleen
The perseveration is yours
The perseveration is yours alone in this case, Bonnie. She didnt say the person in the story was a clergyman. You're reacting in error. Read for accurate comprehension. She said it was hard to imagine ...and her inference is ace-clear.
I'm not convinced that RC
I'm not convinced that RC bishops would or could allow themselves to actually hear and comprehend at a visceral level the devastation experienced by the victims of sexual assault. The first vowed priority of prelates is the protection of the RC institution and its reigning pope. All else is at best secondary, and at worst, of no consequence to them. Genuine empathy is not possible in such a conflict of interest situation.
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The historical record reveals that abuse of children and women by clergy has gone on for centuries in one form or another. The only difference is that today our rapid-transit electronic communication no longer allows it to remain hidden. The inbred mindset and priorities of clericalism has not changed, nor the desire to somehow blame the victims.
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Aileen your bias is showing
Aileen your bias is showing again. I would not disagree with your statement that:
The historical record reveals that abuse of children and women by clergy has gone on for centuries in one form or another.
But that makes it sound that clergy were either the only ones abusing, or that clergy abused more than other groups. That is just not the case. I'm ok with condemning abuse, and the clergy should be included for that condemnation, but only to the extent that they actually participated.
How is it "bias" to observe
How is it "bias" to observe the situation as it stands? It would be a reflection of bias to ignore it just because it exists within our faith community... to believe that the RCC is somehow a divinely 'special' case.
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As for the oft repeated mantra of "everyone else is doing it so why pick on us..." that has an adolescent ring to it, something every young person has attempted when trying to justify doing something that shouldn't be done. Our faith communion is not "everyone else". The issue under discussion is the dynamics within our own faith family. Specifically, the issue is the group collusion of bishops to protect an institution over and above protecting the vulnerable. For the few bishops who claim to not be involved in cover-up and enabling, their silence about what their brother bishops are doing, and refusal to publicly condemn it and report it to law enforcement, implies consent. The rare courageous bishop who has stood up against the pack mentality has found himself labeled a pariah and/or hounded from his office as ordinary of his diocese.
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The bishops of the RCC claim to be the "authoritative" leaders and teachers of faith and morals. They need to change their behavior if they want a different reputation. They have brought their problems upon themselves. I know many local parish priests who are holy men and wonderful pastors... but they too are harmed by the crass behavior of the members of the USCCB and their Vatican handlers (those who hold the real power). The lion's share of the predator problem resides at the top where institutional protectionism trumps all else. The statistics are a matter of public record: less than 5% of priests have engaged in predation, while more than 70% of prelates have been documented as playing some role in enabling and cover-up (those we know about, while their brother bishops remained silent). It was prelate majority behavior that allowed a few sick individuals to harm multitudes of victims over the years. Two of the very worst accomplices, Law and Levada, were promoted to powerful Vatican positions. That's not bias... that's a fact.
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You are wrong, not Aileen.
You are wrong, not Aileen. The numbers of clergy sex criminals is far higher than in the general population. To arrive at the correct assessment multiply the official numbers several times. The official statistics are only a fraction of the real picture.
"The numbers of clergy sex
"The numbers of clergy sex criminals is far higher than in the general population."
Nonsense. But, of course, you will believe what you want to believe.
That's exactly what the
That's exactly what the hierarchy told the parents of victims and, later, the rest of the laity when "allegations" were reported to them. It is this sort of thinking (denial) that has the Church in this position. This dismissal is more damaging to victims and to the Church than the abuse itself.
And of what importance is the ratio? ONE CASE is too much. This IS "absolutely" true.
"of what importance is the
"of what importance is the ratio? ONE CASE is too much."
Agreed, and thank you for making my point. The truth of the matter is sufficiently bad. Why exaggerate it?
What is important is truth and honesty. Sticking to the truth is important.
Amen to that, Aileen!
Amen to that, Aileen! Imagine what could have been accomplished for all victims of sexual abuse if the PTB of the RCC had taken up the cross and been proactive in finding solutions to this global problem. Instead they have chosen to circle the wagons and hide their heads in the sand. Through my fault, through my fault, through MY most grievous fault??? Hmmmmm???
Two extremely brave people
Two extremely brave people here. One, Dave, who is terrific for coming forward and telling his story, and Bill for writing it and spreading the word. A huge
thanks to both of you. Bobbie
I heard the story today of a
I heard the story today of a relative of an auxiliary bishop in Philadelphia who refused to help an adult male relative when that relative asked him, the bishop, to get in touch with the bishop of another diocese about a priest incardinated there who sexually abused him as a child. The Philly bishop told his relative he just couldn't do that but that he would pray for him.
This is Philadelphia where Msgr. William Lynn, of the "Gang of Five" as I call them, goes on trial for the reckless endangerment of children as well as conspiracy, while his four cohorts, criminally charged, are being tried with him in March, 2012.
Clericalism is alive and well.
Sister Maureen, and when will
Sister Maureen, and when will the women religious cooperate and open their records? The LCWR is amazingly deaf to such pleas. When will the Presbyterian church own up to its problems? See reformation.com Abuse is NOT just a matter of clericalism.
How many times must it be
How many times must it be said, it's not the abuse that was unique to Catholic clergy -- it was the scale of the cover up of the abuse when it became known. There is no other organization of similar size and temperment that has a bigger skeleton in its closet.
Good grief, it has nothing to
Good grief, it has nothing to do with clericalsm. It happens when any leaders place their personal interests and the interests of their orgainization ahead of victims.
I saw this personally when allegations that a senior person in a secular relief agency had child pornography and was patronizing under age prostitutes were simply ignored.
This is a very sad thread to
This is a very sad thread to read. Dave's abuse had nothing to do with priests or the church, yet that is all some people can think of apparently when it comes to the sexual abuse of children. Seems to me that for a certain segment, the scourge of child sexual abuse is nothing more than a club with which to beat the church and its priests.
There must come a time, and soon I hope, that we as a society get serious about this issue and realize that this epidemic has even reached into the Catholic priesthood. In short, if no Catholic priest had ever abused a single child, we would still have a terrible epidemic, as Dave's story clearly illustrates.
But the rush in this thread to tie Dave's story to the church scandal leads me to wonder how much some people really care about victims who are being abused TODAY, or if they are more interested in using any victim of child sexual abuse to bash the church.
I guess the absolute final straw for me was when a person who was a sort of acquaintance/friend of mine speculated that Jerry Sandusky and Joe Paterno learned how to abuse kids and cover it up because they were Catholic.
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